Some days, I just want to give up. I mean, I have six kids now. SIX! And when you try to make plans to get away, finding a sitter is near impossible. Not only do I usually have to find more than one to split them up but after you think you find one and they call you 2 hours later to cancel because they forgot about something, you sometimes just want to pull your hair out. Does anyone else with multiple children ever feel like this? Or even one or two children??? Because I've had this issue since I started having kids ten years ago. I don't want this to sound like I'm blaming anyone. Just venting, because I can. I understand others have a life. I just get so down and hard on myself for having this many children to begin with and yet, I wanted them. I wanted each chaotic, sticky-fingered mess with chocolate-covered kisses and their quirky expressions.
I'm certain after I sleep it off tonight I will remember this nonsense no more or even feel foolish for sharing this publicly but I'm trying to stay real here. I chatted with a beautiful sister I visit teach at our relief society activity tonight and she said to me, "I have four kids and feel crazy! How do you do it with six and manage to look so calm all the time?"
All I could think was, "Wow, I must be a really good liar." If only she knew how much chaos flows into and out of my foggy brain. If only she could see how frantic I get when I lose my keys or misplace my shoes. If only she could see me yell at my children behind closed doors because one is crying over a broken banana while another is clipping paper into the tiniest pieces all over my office floor and yet two more are fighting over a lego while another is climbing the doorway and jumping onto the bed. And all this while I nurse a newborn and startle the poor babe in my arms because of my loud voice. Yes, Ligia yells at her kids. And it's not how I wish people to envision me. Honestly, I've come to enjoy people viewing me as calm and collected but I feel like a fake that way. I guess, as a young girl I always kept to myself and stayed out of others' business and sort of liked it that way. I came to embrace that I was quiet and shy and had a mild manner with others except that I often felt my voice was unheard. And now as a mom, I still feel unheard by my kids. Maybe it is. And maybe it isn't. And maybe I have split personalities because I developed a psychotic one the day I decided to become Mom. Maybe people really want to hear that I sat down and cried because I had yet another babysitter cancel on me. This is the nonsense I live with. Crying over a cancelled babysitter. Who does that? It's hard for me to even write this because I'm such a closet crier. I don't like feeling vulnerable at all. And yet I know that's how people connect best. So why do I always feel vulnerable when I have to ask for help? Why do I push help away? Why can't I just embrace feeling vulnerable and that that's supposed to be a part of life?
I love personal development a lot. It's almost like an addiction for me. I was listening to a Facebook Live tonight with Brett Harward and he gave a few tips on how to become unstuck in life. The first one resonated with me a lot. He said to Embrace the Nonsense! Those little things we often think are nonsensical to do because, "Who does that?" and "That's crazy!" and "Why did you choose to have six kids then?"
I guess I'm trying to keep an open mind tonight. I definitely need to develop more tolerance for the nonsense. I get it. It's the nonsense things in life that allow us to open our perspective to the possibilities. To what? The different ways to achieve our goals. Because there's more than one way to get there. In history, all those who were esteemed in their accomplishments were usually faced with great opposition from others who thought they were crazy. Columbus was told he'd fall off the earth for his crazy idea of a trip. Edison was told he had a learning disability as a child. Disney was told to give up his dream several times. And yet, all these men and several others embraced their own personal nonsense.
So I sit here pouring out this rather disjointed thought process in hopes that by revealing the nonsensical in ME, I can overcome the basic everyday life obstacles with perhaps the tiniest bit more grace. I guess tomorrow is a new day. Here's to Embracing the Nonsense!
One of the only pictures I have so far of all six of my children. It's not the most perfectly captured photo of all of them, but in many ways, it captures each of their personalities and quirky ways so well. Which is why I'm sharing this one now. To keep it real. To show that no matter how perfect you plan things, sometimes, the best things to remember is that we are all just a little bit crazy and nonsensical.