Perhaps it was because I was just weaning Hinckley and because my hormones were and still are a little wacky that it wasn't quite the most exciting surprise to receive - at first. I'll be honest. After Hinckley, I really wanted a break. A long break. Like 5 years. Before even thinking about having another infant around. To spare you all of too many details, I just wanted to have and feel a sense of normal in my cycles for a while. In the past 6 years of marriage, I have either been pregnant or nursing and so it's been a rough ride on me hormonally and I'll admit I was starting to feel it. I felt somewhat depleted and just exhausted at first. And then I began experiencing symptoms of mild anemia. So you see, this combination just may not have been what my brain wanted to hear when I noticed some regularity in my cycles again that were abruptly cut short. I began to worry. It wasn't like my cycles to return and suddenly disappear. I'd had about two of them that were pretty regular before I noticed it wasn't coming again. As someone who has always had a pretty healthy fertility, and never been on any birth control or anything to alter my cycles, I knew all too well what it meant. But I was in serious denial for the longest time.
I was already having a rough day and Alex was just jumping into the shower. It must have been one of his days off because he was at home and I was just going about the monotonous routine of finishing up lunch and washing dishes. I believe I was moody about something but I can't recall what now. I know we had been talking, and he decided he was going to go shower to change the scene up because I was in such a grumpy mood. After I'd finished the dishes, I went to sit on the bed and then this surge of tears came out of nowhere. I know I cry for things at times, but I just got extremely moody this day. I just wanted to cry. For no real good reason. Why on earth did I feel this way?
And then it dawned on me. I had one extra pregnancy test tucked away in a make-up box under my bathroom sink. It was from when I was testing to see if I was pregnant with Hinckley yet. My previous three babies were all very much desired and well planned. Well . . . I don't know if we really plan WELL but let's just say we knew what we were doing and what we wanted the outcome to be. This baby's conception came about a little different. As I took this test, I anxiously waited and then I froze. I couldn't look at the results. I knew. But I didn't want to face it for whatever reason. Like I said, I was grumpy and moody that day. So I waited for Alex to get out of the shower and told him what I'd just done and told him to go look for me. He was like, "What?! You really think it's possible?"
For not wanting to disturb any young readers out there, basically there was only one occasion that could possibly be credited for being the one night in which conception took place. Alex knew this as well as I did. We had been careless but in no way thought it was possible for it to be SO easy. Our first three were not hard to conceive either, so I'm not sure why we were so surprised. But it probably had something to do with the fact that we really were not anxious to have another little infant in our lives just yet.
I'll admit, though Alex's jobs have been good to us, we always seem to be barely making it by. And there are rare occasions in which we've had to bite the bullet and ask for help, be it from family or our bishops in wards past. We've been reading so much about becoming self-sufficient without being on any kind of government assistance because we don't feel it right to take advantage of such programs. We were ready for a break from having babies to be able to get ahead in life financially and really grow up and become the responsible parents we know we can be if we are more diligent and disciplined. So our finances were definitely not in a place we would have liked them to be when we finally opened our eyes to see the two little lines on the pregnancy test.
I took the second test. I believe I was so upset by seeing that vertical line on the plus sign I said something along the lines of, "Why? Why couldn't God give this baby to someone who's sincerely trying to get pregnant?" I mean, seriously, look at how bold that line is. There was no denying it at that point. Very much unexcited, I snapped some quick photos to document the scene. I had three friends cross my mind who all happened to be on fertility treatments of some kind at that very moment. One of which has now recently been blessed with twins. I hope she doesn't mind me saying so. But she will remain nameless here. I'm super happy for her now, but I know God blesses families in many different ways at different times of their lives. Her trials may not have been my own, but I am a different and unique being with my own set of learning experiences. It's funny and ironic that way. Life is funny. Someone who desperately wants to get pregnant and can't for the longest time, vs. someone who easily can but doesn't want to. All I have to say is God works in mysterious ways.
On a brighter note, we've definitely grown to love this little guy. He moves and kicks like none of my other three have. I'm convinced he is going to be a Kung Fu Master and Alex likes that idea. At night when we go to sleep and cuddle together, he can actually feel him kicking through my tummy without making too much effort to feel for his kicks. One night it was so bad, he had to move away because he said this baby was keeping him from going to sleep. Go figure. How do you think I feel?
This baby is teaching us so much and he's not even here yet. And even though he was a surprise to us all, I want him to know that we love him. I want him to feel our love for him and to know his story. He will be known as my Lucky Charm because of all the life lessons I have learned from his so far. My Christmas Surprise. Because we discovered him shortly after the hustle and bustle of Christmas this past year. And I'm certain he will continue to teach me things once he enters this world. I have learned so much from all of my babies. They teach me more than they will ever know. Even when I least want to learn them. I would be lost without them. Each and every one. I grow more anxious every day, not only because I am ready to not be pregnant anymore, but because I do want to see and know this little person that has been sent at this special time of my life when I felt least prepared. I know my Heavenly Father is stretching me and that he wouldn't bless me with this opportunity if he didn't see me fit to fulfill my duty to him. I guess I am more fit than I thought I was.
We love you baby. Can't wait to meet you. Thanks for being the surprise in our lives that you are.
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