Remembering 9/12

Warning in advance: Please forgive the random thoughts all piled together into one post. Just things I need to get out and be honest about.

Okay, some of you may know I've been dealing a bit with some post partum depression. I don't know if it's the hormones that kick into place whenever I wean my babies but it surely seems to be a trend. I've almost reached a year of nursing Hinckley and I just started giving him a bottle to make things a bit easier for myself. But it seems that whenever I do this with my kids (yes it happened with Orion and Chrys also) I go into PMS to the 10th power. Anyone out there know what this could mean? I've often wondered if I might have some vitamin or mineral deficiency. Perhaps it's that I've recently begun to exercise again. I know. I don't know what takes me so long. Perhaps it's the chaos and stress of dealing with my parents' health. I worry and stress over many different things and don't cope well. That might explain why my eyes get extra hazy. I can literally feel the pressure of tightening muscles behind my face and in my neck and shoulders.

Whatever the reason, I know the solution is NOT in prescriptions. And so I refuse to see doctors that might even mention the idea of having to take a drug of some kind. I don't enjoy pretending that everything is okay when a plethora of destructive emotions is running rampant. I need to be honest with myself and others in order to move forward because denial can be very destructive. So without getting into too much detail, I've decided to get some counseling, continue getting up to bike ride in the mornings with my kids, try to squeeze in some extra yoga practices, read my scriptures more regularly and just plain find things that make me laugh more often.

If you haven't gone to see Kung Fu Panda 2 with your children yet, please do. That movie is deep. I've seen it a couple times now and find it rather amusing, thrilling, and touching all at once. Not to mention, the hours of creativity that have gone into the film. I've always wanted to go into Computer animation myself. But priorities changed for me. That doesn't make me appreciate it any less though. I love the clever jokes that are thrown into such films in order to appeal to the wider audience of kids at heart. And that is what I'm struggling and desperately trying to find these days; my child within. I need to lighten and loosen up no matter what silly trials our family may be going through. I've decided I have too much to be grateful for to NOT be happy.

I've thought a lot about 9/11 and how blessed I am to live in a free country. No matter how bad it seems to be getting, I know my history and am pleased to be a part of it. I know who the founders were and what they stood for. I know they put their trust in God and that they were inspired men. I am blessed to have a loving husband who wants to help me to heal and three wonderful children who actually encourage me to smile. I have too many wonderful reasons to be happy. I think about those who've lost members of their families in the events that took place, and I have no reason to frown. My family is all still with me. And I know better. I know that deaths are not the end. And though I miss my grandparents, I know they are happy and want me to be happy also.

Through all this, I've had thoughts of ending my marriage or even my life. I know I would never have the courage to go through with any of them, nor would I ever want to put my children through such an ordeal, but arguments arise and situations such as this do escalate and I refuse to let the adversary win. I know without a shadow of a doubt that he knows me. That he knows my weaknesses and wants nothing more than to make my life miserable. But I also know that my Heavenly Father knows me even better. And that if I put my trust in him, that he will help me to overcome my weaknesses. I need to Remember him in all that I do. Because I know how easy it is for me to forget. I know how easy it is for people in general to forget what happens in history and to repeat past mistakes. So this post is about Remembering. Remembering those who fought to keep our country free. Remembering that there are still those who fight for justice and freedom today. Remembering that with God, all things are possible. And remembering that after 9/11, there was 9/12. And people do pick themselves up by the bootstraps to start anew after a fall. And knowing, I CAN DO THE SAME.